Guide to life

Hook your lead through your strap

Aim for the eyestalk!

Clarinet & flute players usually keep a packet of Rizla in their cases

Take a spare - You never know

Everything's bigger in the Bass department

Tea, pretty strong, not much milk, no sugar

If you don't ask, you don't get

Bad things happen when good people do nothing

Plug one end of a lead into an amp and touch the other. The noise it makes is a G

Two wheels good four wheels bad

Ernie Ball Super Slinkys 45-100

Don't eat silica gel

If someone wants to pay you three hundred quid for a half hour set, let them

Wear earplugs. Wear earplugs. Wear earplugs.

Just go for it

Sometimes you're the pigeon, and sometimes you're the statue

Turn the amps off first, then the desk

Rodeohead is a work of genius

The canonicity of spin-off media is unclear

If you can walk you can dance

If you can talk you can sing

A little bit of kick and snare drum in your monitor can be useful

A good luthier is worth their weight in gold

Invest in good quality leads

You can't polish a turd
But you can stick a flag in it

Turn the desk on first, then the amps

Some people can lick their elbows

Hartnell. Troughton. Pertwee. Baker T. Davison. Baker C. McCoy. McGann. (Hurt). Eccleston. Tennant. Smith. Capaldi. Whittaker.

A Confederacy of Dunces is the best book ever

It's worth learning some scales. Sorry.

Gaffa tape all your leads to the stage

Tell the sound engineer if you use feedback (or they might try and get rid of it)

Any idiot can play the guitar. It takes a special kind of idiot to play The Bass

Trust your instincts

New strings make all the difference

Save the cheerleader - save the world

If it wasn't horrendously difficult and painful, you did it wrong

The Lion might be the king of the jungle, but nobody messes with the elephant

Befriend the bar staff

Life isnt like the movies

Put your CDs back in their boxes

Listen to your singer when s/he's singing, but not when s/he's talking

Take a book

So many drummers, so little time

Nothing has the wow factor of a Double Bass

Except possibly a Stick

If you do what you've always done, you get what you've always got

A peanut isnt a nut, its a legume

Measure twice, cut once

Halfwound strings are kinder to your fretless fingerboard than roundwounds

Don't put drinks on top of amps. Ever

If you own a cat, check your shoes for dead mice before you put them on

Bowed harmonics sound weird

If you can't afford it, you can't have it

Be nice to sound engineers

If you're playing Double Bass in your New Rocks, set the endpin higher

If you know the key and the tempo, you can give it a go

Don't drink and dial

When carrying a Double Bass up stairs, go backwards

The Bass. Capital T Capital B

If it sounds right, it is right

If you have to use pliers to remove bridge pins, put a towel inbetween them

Happy endings are a myth

Phone your mum

Why? Why not?!

Gaffa tape is brilliant

Pay in cash and haggle - you might get a discount

Listen first, then play

Get a good drummer. Then listen to them

When bouncers grab you, go limp

Choose life - Choose PHP

You are not what you wear

There are two secrets to good comedy. The first is always leave them wanting more.