Guide to life

Gaffa tape is brilliant

Phone your mum

If you're playing Double Bass in your New Rocks, set the endpin higher

Tea, pretty strong, not much milk, no sugar

Nothing has the wow factor of a Double Bass

Except possibly a Stick

Hook your lead through your strap

You are not what you wear

Turn the desk on first, then the amps

Just go for it

The canonicity of spin-off media is unclear

Be nice to sound engineers

Turn the amps off first, then the desk

Sometimes you're the pigeon, and sometimes you're the statue

You can't polish a turd
But you can stick a flag in it

Get a good drummer. Then listen to them

The Bass. Capital T Capital B

Gaffa tape all your leads to the stage

A good luthier is worth their weight in gold

Tell the sound engineer if you use feedback (or they might try and get rid of it)

Aim for the eyestalk!

Bowed harmonics sound weird

If you can walk you can dance

If you can talk you can sing

Rodeohead is a work of genius

Don't drink and dial

Happy endings are a myth

Bad things happen when good people do nothing

Don't eat silica gel

Listen first, then play

If you can't afford it, you can't have it

Two wheels good four wheels bad

It's worth learning some scales. Sorry.

If you know the key and the tempo, you can give it a go

Any idiot can play the guitar. It takes a special kind of idiot to play The Bass

Life isnt like the movies

Hartnell. Troughton. Pertwee. Baker T. Davison. Baker C. McCoy. McGann. (Hurt). Eccleston. Tennant. Smith. Capaldi. Whittaker.

If you do what you've always done, you get what you've always got

If you have to use pliers to remove bridge pins, put a towel inbetween them

If you own a cat, check your shoes for dead mice before you put them on

Save the cheerleader - save the world

Listen to your singer when s/he's singing, but not when s/he's talking

If it wasn't horrendously difficult and painful, you did it wrong

If someone wants to pay you three hundred quid for a half hour set, let them

Halfwound strings are kinder to your fretless fingerboard than roundwounds

Everything's bigger in the Bass department

A Confederacy of Dunces is the best book ever

If you don't ask, you don't get

Some people can lick their elbows

Put your CDs back in their boxes

A little bit of kick and snare drum in your monitor can be useful

When carrying a Double Bass up stairs, go backwards

Befriend the bar staff

Clarinet & flute players usually keep a packet of Rizla in their cases

Plug one end of a lead into an amp and touch the other. The noise it makes is a G

If it sounds right, it is right

Measure twice, cut once

New strings make all the difference

A peanut isnt a nut, its a legume

Take a book

Ernie Ball Super Slinkys 45-100

Invest in good quality leads

The Lion might be the king of the jungle, but nobody messes with the elephant

Wear earplugs. Wear earplugs. Wear earplugs.

Choose life - Choose PHP

Why? Why not?!

Trust your instincts

When bouncers grab you, go limp

Take a spare - You never know

So many drummers, so little time

Pay in cash and haggle - you might get a discount

Don't put drinks on top of amps. Ever

There are two secrets to good comedy. The first is always leave them wanting more.