Guide to life

Put your CDs back in their boxes

Wear earplugs. Wear earplugs. Wear earplugs.

Don't eat silica gel

If it wasn't horrendously difficult and painful, you did it wrong

Turn the desk on first, then the amps

If you can't afford it, you can't have it

Tea, pretty strong, not much milk, no sugar

Ernie Ball Super Slinkys 45-100

Measure twice, cut once

You can't polish a turd
But you can stick a flag in it

Don't put drinks on top of amps. Ever

Everything's bigger in the Bass department

Why? Why not?!

The Bass. Capital T Capital B

If you know the key and the tempo, you can give it a go

Rodeohead is a work of genius

Hartnell. Troughton. Pertwee. Baker T. Davison. Baker C. McCoy. McGann. (Hurt). Eccleston. Tennant. Smith. Capaldi. Whittaker.

Clarinet & flute players usually keep a packet of Rizla in their cases

If you're playing Double Bass in your New Rocks, set the endpin higher

A good luthier is worth their weight in gold

When carrying a Double Bass up stairs, go backwards

Listen first, then play

Pay in cash and haggle - you might get a discount

If you do what you've always done, you get what you've always got

Two wheels good four wheels bad

Invest in good quality leads

Befriend the bar staff

Nothing has the wow factor of a Double Bass

Except possibly a Stick

Aim for the eyestalk!

Choose life - Choose PHP

If you can walk you can dance

If you can talk you can sing

Gaffa tape all your leads to the stage

Don't drink and dial

You are not what you wear

The canonicity of spin-off media is unclear

Bad things happen when good people do nothing

Sometimes you're the pigeon, and sometimes you're the statue

A little bit of kick and snare drum in your monitor can be useful

Some people can lick their elbows

It's worth learning some scales. Sorry.

Be nice to sound engineers

Take a spare - You never know

Life isnt like the movies

A Confederacy of Dunces is the best book ever

The Lion might be the king of the jungle, but nobody messes with the elephant

Take a book

Gaffa tape is brilliant

If you own a cat, check your shoes for dead mice before you put them on

Trust your instincts

Phone your mum

Plug one end of a lead into an amp and touch the other. The noise it makes is a G

A peanut isnt a nut, its a legume

If you have to use pliers to remove bridge pins, put a towel inbetween them

Turn the amps off first, then the desk

Halfwound strings are kinder to your fretless fingerboard than roundwounds

If someone wants to pay you three hundred quid for a half hour set, let them

Just go for it

Hook your lead through your strap

Listen to your singer when s/he's singing, but not when s/he's talking

Save the cheerleader - save the world

If it sounds right, it is right

Tell the sound engineer if you use feedback (or they might try and get rid of it)

When bouncers grab you, go limp

If you don't ask, you don't get

Any idiot can play the guitar. It takes a special kind of idiot to play The Bass

So many drummers, so little time

Happy endings are a myth

New strings make all the difference

Get a good drummer. Then listen to them

Bowed harmonics sound weird

There are two secrets to good comedy. The first is always leave them wanting more.