Guide to life

Wear earplugs. Wear earplugs. Wear earplugs.

Invest in good quality leads

Trust your instincts

Life isnt like the movies

Save the cheerleader - save the world

Put your CDs back in their boxes

Don't put drinks on top of amps. Ever

If you do what you've always done, you get what you've always got

Clarinet & flute players usually keep a packet of Rizla in their cases

A peanut isnt a nut, its a legume

If it sounds right, it is right

Any idiot can play the guitar. It takes a special kind of idiot to play The Bass

Listen to your singer when s/he's singing, but not when s/he's talking

If you don't ask, you don't get

Just go for it

If you have to use pliers to remove bridge pins, put a towel inbetween them

A good luthier is worth their weight in gold

Gaffa tape all your leads to the stage

If you can't afford it, you can't have it

The Lion might be the king of the jungle, but nobody messes with the elephant

Turn the desk on first, then the amps

Bad things happen when good people do nothing

Listen first, then play

Measure twice, cut once

Halfwound strings are kinder to your fretless fingerboard than roundwounds

So many drummers, so little time

Don't drink and dial

The canonicity of spin-off media is unclear

Phone your mum

You are not what you wear

Plug one end of a lead into an amp and touch the other. The noise it makes is a G

It's worth learning some scales. Sorry.

If you know the key and the tempo, you can give it a go

A little bit of kick and snare drum in your monitor can be useful

Aim for the eyestalk!

Gaffa tape is brilliant

Some people can lick their elbows

Why? Why not?!

A Confederacy of Dunces is the best book ever

Nothing has the wow factor of a Double Bass

Except possibly a Stick

If someone wants to pay you three hundred quid for a half hour set, let them

Choose life - Choose PHP

Get a good drummer. Then listen to them

When carrying a Double Bass up stairs, go backwards

Bowed harmonics sound weird

Turn the amps off first, then the desk

Everything's bigger in the Bass department

Take a spare - You never know

The Bass. Capital T Capital B

Tea, pretty strong, not much milk, no sugar

Happy endings are a myth

Befriend the bar staff

Hartnell. Troughton. Pertwee. Baker T. Davison. Baker C. McCoy. McGann. (Hurt). Eccleston. Tennant. Smith. Capaldi. Whittaker.

Don't eat silica gel

Rodeohead is a work of genius

Hook your lead through your strap

Ernie Ball Super Slinkys 45-100

If you own a cat, check your shoes for dead mice before you put them on

Two wheels good four wheels bad

Tell the sound engineer if you use feedback (or they might try and get rid of it)

If you can walk you can dance

If you can talk you can sing

You can't polish a turd
But you can stick a flag in it

Sometimes you're the pigeon, and sometimes you're the statue

When bouncers grab you, go limp

If it wasn't horrendously difficult and painful, you did it wrong

If you're playing Double Bass in your New Rocks, set the endpin higher

Take a book

Be nice to sound engineers

New strings make all the difference

Pay in cash and haggle - you might get a discount

There are two secrets to good comedy. The first is always leave them wanting more.