Guide to life

Don't put drinks on top of amps. Ever

Aim for the eyestalk!

If you're playing Double Bass in your New Rocks, set the endpin higher

If you don't ask, you don't get

Choose life - Choose PHP

Two wheels good four wheels bad

New strings make all the difference

It's worth learning some scales. Sorry.

A peanut isnt a nut, its a legume

When bouncers grab you, go limp

Put your CDs back in their boxes

Some people can lick their elbows

You can't polish a turd
But you can stick a flag in it

Turn the amps off first, then the desk

Save the cheerleader - save the world

A good luthier is worth their weight in gold

If you have to use pliers to remove bridge pins, put a towel inbetween them

Don't eat silica gel

You are not what you wear

Turn the desk on first, then the amps

Take a spare - You never know

Gaffa tape all your leads to the stage

Gaffa tape is brilliant

Sometimes you're the pigeon, and sometimes you're the statue

Plug one end of a lead into an amp and touch the other. The noise it makes is a G

A Confederacy of Dunces is the best book ever

Life isnt like the movies

Clarinet & flute players usually keep a packet of Rizla in their cases

Rodeohead is a work of genius

Ernie Ball Super Slinkys 45-100

The Lion might be the king of the jungle, but nobody messes with the elephant

Befriend the bar staff

Trust your instincts

Be nice to sound engineers

Tea, pretty strong, not much milk, no sugar

If it sounds right, it is right

Wear earplugs. Wear earplugs. Wear earplugs.

Hartnell. Troughton. Pertwee. Baker T. Davison. Baker C. McCoy. McGann. (Hurt). Eccleston. Tennant. Smith. Capaldi. Whittaker.

If you do what you've always done, you get what you've always got

If you own a cat, check your shoes for dead mice before you put them on

If you know the key and the tempo, you can give it a go

Invest in good quality leads

Happy endings are a myth

If it wasn't horrendously difficult and painful, you did it wrong

The Bass. Capital T Capital B

Tell the sound engineer if you use feedback (or they might try and get rid of it)

Halfwound strings are kinder to your fretless fingerboard than roundwounds

If you can walk you can dance

If you can talk you can sing

Get a good drummer. Then listen to them

Don't drink and dial

Pay in cash and haggle - you might get a discount

The canonicity of spin-off media is unclear

Take a book

A little bit of kick and snare drum in your monitor can be useful

Hook your lead through your strap

Bad things happen when good people do nothing

Everything's bigger in the Bass department

Measure twice, cut once

Why? Why not?!

Bowed harmonics sound weird

Listen to your singer when s/he's singing, but not when s/he's talking

If someone wants to pay you three hundred quid for a half hour set, let them

Nothing has the wow factor of a Double Bass

Except possibly a Stick

If you can't afford it, you can't have it

When carrying a Double Bass up stairs, go backwards

Just go for it

So many drummers, so little time

Any idiot can play the guitar. It takes a special kind of idiot to play The Bass

Listen first, then play

Phone your mum

There are two secrets to good comedy. The first is always leave them wanting more.