Guide to life

Bowed harmonics sound weird

Get a good drummer. Then listen to them

Gaffa tape all your leads to the stage

Happy endings are a myth

You can't polish a turd
But you can stick a flag in it

Ernie Ball Super Slinkys 45-100

Pay in cash and haggle - you might get a discount

Don't drink and dial

Hartnell. Troughton. Pertwee. Baker T. Davison. Baker C. McCoy. McGann. (Hurt). Eccleston. Tennant. Smith. Capaldi. Whittaker.

Sometimes you're the pigeon, and sometimes you're the statue

Halfwound strings are kinder to your fretless fingerboard than roundwounds

A good luthier is worth their weight in gold

New strings make all the difference

Tell the sound engineer if you use feedback (or they might try and get rid of it)

Be nice to sound engineers

The Bass. Capital T Capital B

A little bit of kick and snare drum in your monitor can be useful

Plug one end of a lead into an amp and touch the other. The noise it makes is a G

You are not what you wear

If you have to use pliers to remove bridge pins, put a towel inbetween them

Clarinet & flute players usually keep a packet of Rizla in their cases

If it wasn't horrendously difficult and painful, you did it wrong

If you're playing Double Bass in your New Rocks, set the endpin higher

Invest in good quality leads

Aim for the eyestalk!

Don't put drinks on top of amps. Ever

Everything's bigger in the Bass department

So many drummers, so little time

Nothing has the wow factor of a Double Bass

Except possibly a Stick

Some people can lick their elbows

If someone wants to pay you three hundred quid for a half hour set, let them

A Confederacy of Dunces is the best book ever

A peanut isnt a nut, its a legume

When carrying a Double Bass up stairs, go backwards

Befriend the bar staff

Why? Why not?!

Take a book

It's worth learning some scales. Sorry.

If you do what you've always done, you get what you've always got

If you own a cat, check your shoes for dead mice before you put them on

Trust your instincts

If you can't afford it, you can't have it

Just go for it

Take a spare - You never know

Wear earplugs. Wear earplugs. Wear earplugs.

Listen first, then play

Phone your mum

Gaffa tape is brilliant

If you know the key and the tempo, you can give it a go

Turn the desk on first, then the amps

Save the cheerleader - save the world

Tea, pretty strong, not much milk, no sugar

Listen to your singer when s/he's singing, but not when s/he's talking

Turn the amps off first, then the desk

When bouncers grab you, go limp

If you don't ask, you don't get

Measure twice, cut once

Put your CDs back in their boxes

Choose life - Choose PHP

Life isnt like the movies

The Lion might be the king of the jungle, but nobody messes with the elephant

Hook your lead through your strap

The canonicity of spin-off media is unclear

Any idiot can play the guitar. It takes a special kind of idiot to play The Bass

If you can walk you can dance

If you can talk you can sing

If it sounds right, it is right

Two wheels good four wheels bad

Bad things happen when good people do nothing

Rodeohead is a work of genius

Don't eat silica gel

There are two secrets to good comedy. The first is always leave them wanting more.