Guide to life

Listen to your singer when s/he's singing, but not when s/he's talking

If you own a cat, check your shoes for dead mice before you put them on

Pay in cash and haggle - you might get a discount

Don't eat silica gel

You are not what you wear

If you're playing Double Bass in your New Rocks, set the endpin higher

Wear earplugs. Wear earplugs. Wear earplugs.

Rodeohead is a work of genius

Ernie Ball Super Slinkys 45-100

Save the cheerleader - save the world

Everything's bigger in the Bass department

Why? Why not?!

Clarinet & flute players usually keep a packet of Rizla in their cases

If it wasn't horrendously difficult and painful, you did it wrong

Tea, pretty strong, not much milk, no sugar

Some people can lick their elbows

Get a good drummer. Then listen to them

The canonicity of spin-off media is unclear

Happy endings are a myth

Phone your mum

When carrying a Double Bass up stairs, go backwards

Measure twice, cut once

A little bit of kick and snare drum in your monitor can be useful

Bowed harmonics sound weird

Don't drink and dial

Gaffa tape all your leads to the stage

Bad things happen when good people do nothing

Two wheels good four wheels bad

Don't put drinks on top of amps. Ever

Listen first, then play

If you do what you've always done, you get what you've always got

Aim for the eyestalk!

Just go for it

A Confederacy of Dunces is the best book ever

Halfwound strings are kinder to your fretless fingerboard than roundwounds

The Bass. Capital T Capital B

If it sounds right, it is right

Plug one end of a lead into an amp and touch the other. The noise it makes is a G

If someone wants to pay you three hundred quid for a half hour set, let them

Any idiot can play the guitar. It takes a special kind of idiot to play The Bass

Be nice to sound engineers

When bouncers grab you, go limp

If you don't ask, you don't get

Put your CDs back in their boxes

Life isnt like the movies

Turn the desk on first, then the amps

Turn the amps off first, then the desk

Choose life - Choose PHP

Tell the sound engineer if you use feedback (or they might try and get rid of it)

The Lion might be the king of the jungle, but nobody messes with the elephant

If you can't afford it, you can't have it

Sometimes you're the pigeon, and sometimes you're the statue

You can't polish a turd
But you can stick a flag in it

So many drummers, so little time

Hartnell. Troughton. Pertwee. Baker T. Davison. Baker C. McCoy. McGann. (Hurt). Eccleston. Tennant. Smith. Capaldi. Whittaker.

A peanut isnt a nut, its a legume

Gaffa tape is brilliant

Take a book

Befriend the bar staff

It's worth learning some scales. Sorry.

Take a spare - You never know

If you can walk you can dance

If you can talk you can sing

New strings make all the difference

If you know the key and the tempo, you can give it a go

If you have to use pliers to remove bridge pins, put a towel inbetween them

Invest in good quality leads

A good luthier is worth their weight in gold

Nothing has the wow factor of a Double Bass

Except possibly a Stick

Trust your instincts

Hook your lead through your strap

There are two secrets to good comedy. The first is always leave them wanting more.