Guide to life

Pay in cash and haggle - you might get a discount

When carrying a Double Bass up stairs, go backwards

If it wasn't horrendously difficult and painful, you did it wrong

The canonicity of spin-off media is unclear

Happy endings are a myth

Measure twice, cut once

Befriend the bar staff

If it sounds right, it is right

The Lion might be the king of the jungle, but nobody messes with the elephant

Wear earplugs. Wear earplugs. Wear earplugs.

If you have to use pliers to remove bridge pins, put a towel inbetween them

Turn the amps off first, then the desk

Just go for it

A little bit of kick and snare drum in your monitor can be useful

Ernie Ball Super Slinkys 45-100

You are not what you wear

Phone your mum

Aim for the eyestalk!

Any idiot can play the guitar. It takes a special kind of idiot to play The Bass

If you own a cat, check your shoes for dead mice before you put them on

Hook your lead through your strap

Put your CDs back in their boxes

A good luthier is worth their weight in gold

Bad things happen when good people do nothing

Take a spare - You never know

Hartnell. Troughton. Pertwee. Baker T. Davison. Baker C. McCoy. McGann. (Hurt). Eccleston. Tennant. Smith. Capaldi. Whittaker.

Everything's bigger in the Bass department

Clarinet & flute players usually keep a packet of Rizla in their cases

Gaffa tape is brilliant

Some people can lick their elbows

If you can walk you can dance

If you can talk you can sing

Don't put drinks on top of amps. Ever

The Bass. Capital T Capital B

Sometimes you're the pigeon, and sometimes you're the statue

Tell the sound engineer if you use feedback (or they might try and get rid of it)

You can't polish a turd
But you can stick a flag in it

If you do what you've always done, you get what you've always got

Halfwound strings are kinder to your fretless fingerboard than roundwounds

Listen to your singer when s/he's singing, but not when s/he's talking

If you don't ask, you don't get

Save the cheerleader - save the world

Nothing has the wow factor of a Double Bass

Except possibly a Stick

A peanut isnt a nut, its a legume

Get a good drummer. Then listen to them

Plug one end of a lead into an amp and touch the other. The noise it makes is a G

If you can't afford it, you can't have it

Turn the desk on first, then the amps

Don't eat silica gel

If you know the key and the tempo, you can give it a go

Rodeohead is a work of genius

New strings make all the difference

If you're playing Double Bass in your New Rocks, set the endpin higher

When bouncers grab you, go limp

If someone wants to pay you three hundred quid for a half hour set, let them

Be nice to sound engineers

Tea, pretty strong, not much milk, no sugar

Take a book

Why? Why not?!

Invest in good quality leads

Listen first, then play

It's worth learning some scales. Sorry.

Gaffa tape all your leads to the stage

Bowed harmonics sound weird

Life isnt like the movies

Trust your instincts

So many drummers, so little time

Don't drink and dial

Choose life - Choose PHP

A Confederacy of Dunces is the best book ever

Two wheels good four wheels bad

There are two secrets to good comedy. The first is always leave them wanting more.