Guide to life

When bouncers grab you, go limp

A good luthier is worth their weight in gold

So many drummers, so little time

If someone wants to pay you three hundred quid for a half hour set, let them

Take a spare - You never know

Don't drink and dial

Just go for it

Wear earplugs. Wear earplugs. Wear earplugs.

The Bass. Capital T Capital B

Turn the desk on first, then the amps

Turn the amps off first, then the desk

It's worth learning some scales. Sorry.

If you know the key and the tempo, you can give it a go

If you can't afford it, you can't have it

Don't put drinks on top of amps. Ever

Save the cheerleader - save the world

A peanut isnt a nut, its a legume

A little bit of kick and snare drum in your monitor can be useful

Trust your instincts

Measure twice, cut once

You can't polish a turd
But you can stick a flag in it

You are not what you wear

Befriend the bar staff

Take a book

Listen first, then play

If you can walk you can dance

If you can talk you can sing

Rodeohead is a work of genius

The canonicity of spin-off media is unclear

Put your CDs back in their boxes

Why? Why not?!

Bowed harmonics sound weird

Clarinet & flute players usually keep a packet of Rizla in their cases

If it wasn't horrendously difficult and painful, you did it wrong

Some people can lick their elbows

A Confederacy of Dunces is the best book ever

Life isnt like the movies

If it sounds right, it is right

Tea, pretty strong, not much milk, no sugar

New strings make all the difference

Invest in good quality leads

Listen to your singer when s/he's singing, but not when s/he's talking

Happy endings are a myth

The Lion might be the king of the jungle, but nobody messes with the elephant

Phone your mum

Nothing has the wow factor of a Double Bass

Except possibly a Stick

Gaffa tape all your leads to the stage

When carrying a Double Bass up stairs, go backwards

Tell the sound engineer if you use feedback (or they might try and get rid of it)

If you do what you've always done, you get what you've always got

Ernie Ball Super Slinkys 45-100

Choose life - Choose PHP

Any idiot can play the guitar. It takes a special kind of idiot to play The Bass

Hook your lead through your strap

Gaffa tape is brilliant

If you're playing Double Bass in your New Rocks, set the endpin higher

Plug one end of a lead into an amp and touch the other. The noise it makes is a G

Halfwound strings are kinder to your fretless fingerboard than roundwounds

Bad things happen when good people do nothing

Be nice to sound engineers

If you own a cat, check your shoes for dead mice before you put them on

Sometimes you're the pigeon, and sometimes you're the statue

Pay in cash and haggle - you might get a discount

Hartnell. Troughton. Pertwee. Baker T. Davison. Baker C. McCoy. McGann. (Hurt). Eccleston. Tennant. Smith. Capaldi. Whittaker.

Get a good drummer. Then listen to them

Don't eat silica gel

Everything's bigger in the Bass department

Two wheels good four wheels bad

If you don't ask, you don't get

If you have to use pliers to remove bridge pins, put a towel inbetween them

Aim for the eyestalk!

There are two secrets to good comedy. The first is always leave them wanting more.