Guide to life

If you own a cat, check your shoes for dead mice before you put them on

Gaffa tape all your leads to the stage

Just go for it

A Confederacy of Dunces is the best book ever

You can't polish a turd
But you can stick a flag in it

A little bit of kick and snare drum in your monitor can be useful

Save the cheerleader - save the world

Don't drink and dial

Aim for the eyestalk!

Don't eat silica gel

Turn the amps off first, then the desk

Listen first, then play

If you're playing Double Bass in your New Rocks, set the endpin higher

Pay in cash and haggle - you might get a discount

If you don't ask, you don't get

Nothing has the wow factor of a Double Bass

Except possibly a Stick

A peanut isnt a nut, its a legume

Trust your instincts

Bowed harmonics sound weird

Hartnell. Troughton. Pertwee. Baker T. Davison. Baker C. McCoy. McGann. (Hurt). Eccleston. Tennant. Smith. Capaldi. Whittaker.

Ernie Ball Super Slinkys 45-100

The Lion might be the king of the jungle, but nobody messes with the elephant

The Bass. Capital T Capital B

Two wheels good four wheels bad

Rodeohead is a work of genius

Put your CDs back in their boxes

Listen to your singer when s/he's singing, but not when s/he's talking

It's worth learning some scales. Sorry.

Some people can lick their elbows

If you can't afford it, you can't have it

Befriend the bar staff

Phone your mum

The canonicity of spin-off media is unclear

Take a book

Tea, pretty strong, not much milk, no sugar

If it sounds right, it is right

Sometimes you're the pigeon, and sometimes you're the statue

When bouncers grab you, go limp

Gaffa tape is brilliant

New strings make all the difference

If someone wants to pay you three hundred quid for a half hour set, let them

Turn the desk on first, then the amps

Don't put drinks on top of amps. Ever

Everything's bigger in the Bass department

Get a good drummer. Then listen to them

Wear earplugs. Wear earplugs. Wear earplugs.

Measure twice, cut once

Bad things happen when good people do nothing

Plug one end of a lead into an amp and touch the other. The noise it makes is a G

Life isnt like the movies

So many drummers, so little time

Choose life - Choose PHP

Tell the sound engineer if you use feedback (or they might try and get rid of it)

If you have to use pliers to remove bridge pins, put a towel inbetween them

If you do what you've always done, you get what you've always got

When carrying a Double Bass up stairs, go backwards

A good luthier is worth their weight in gold

Why? Why not?!

You are not what you wear

If it wasn't horrendously difficult and painful, you did it wrong

Clarinet & flute players usually keep a packet of Rizla in their cases

Invest in good quality leads

If you can walk you can dance

If you can talk you can sing

Hook your lead through your strap

Happy endings are a myth

Take a spare - You never know

Be nice to sound engineers

Halfwound strings are kinder to your fretless fingerboard than roundwounds

If you know the key and the tempo, you can give it a go

Any idiot can play the guitar. It takes a special kind of idiot to play The Bass

There are two secrets to good comedy. The first is always leave them wanting more.