Guide to life

Nothing has the wow factor of a Double Bass

Except possibly a Stick

Rodeohead is a work of genius

Save the cheerleader - save the world

Wear earplugs. Wear earplugs. Wear earplugs.

If you don't ask, you don't get

Two wheels good four wheels bad

Gaffa tape is brilliant

Ernie Ball Super Slinkys 45-100

Don't put drinks on top of amps. Ever

The canonicity of spin-off media is unclear

The Bass. Capital T Capital B

Befriend the bar staff

When carrying a Double Bass up stairs, go backwards

Happy endings are a myth

If it wasn't horrendously difficult and painful, you did it wrong

Be nice to sound engineers

Don't drink and dial

Hook your lead through your strap

Listen to your singer when s/he's singing, but not when s/he's talking

Listen first, then play

It's worth learning some scales. Sorry.

When bouncers grab you, go limp

A little bit of kick and snare drum in your monitor can be useful

So many drummers, so little time

Measure twice, cut once

Get a good drummer. Then listen to them

If someone wants to pay you three hundred quid for a half hour set, let them

Some people can lick their elbows

Sometimes you're the pigeon, and sometimes you're the statue

Phone your mum

A peanut isnt a nut, its a legume

Don't eat silica gel

Turn the amps off first, then the desk

Pay in cash and haggle - you might get a discount

Clarinet & flute players usually keep a packet of Rizla in their cases

Tea, pretty strong, not much milk, no sugar

Why? Why not?!

Hartnell. Troughton. Pertwee. Baker T. Davison. Baker C. McCoy. McGann. (Hurt). Eccleston. Tennant. Smith. Capaldi. Whittaker.

Bowed harmonics sound weird

Take a spare - You never know

Any idiot can play the guitar. It takes a special kind of idiot to play The Bass

Trust your instincts

If you have to use pliers to remove bridge pins, put a towel inbetween them

Life isnt like the movies

Halfwound strings are kinder to your fretless fingerboard than roundwounds

The Lion might be the king of the jungle, but nobody messes with the elephant

Gaffa tape all your leads to the stage

Just go for it

A Confederacy of Dunces is the best book ever

If you can walk you can dance

If you can talk you can sing

Plug one end of a lead into an amp and touch the other. The noise it makes is a G

Turn the desk on first, then the amps

If you're playing Double Bass in your New Rocks, set the endpin higher

New strings make all the difference

If you know the key and the tempo, you can give it a go

You are not what you wear

Choose life - Choose PHP

A good luthier is worth their weight in gold

Tell the sound engineer if you use feedback (or they might try and get rid of it)

Invest in good quality leads

Bad things happen when good people do nothing

Aim for the eyestalk!

If you can't afford it, you can't have it

If it sounds right, it is right

Put your CDs back in their boxes

You can't polish a turd
But you can stick a flag in it

Take a book

If you own a cat, check your shoes for dead mice before you put them on

Everything's bigger in the Bass department

If you do what you've always done, you get what you've always got

There are two secrets to good comedy. The first is always leave them wanting more.